Are you surprised to see the above? Let’s recap the four points:
Your partner only has a small bit to do with your happiness
You will need to clearly understand and communicate your needs in order for your partner to be able to come close to meeting these (partners are not mind readers haha)
a relationship doesn’t come easy, it takes work, self reflection and commitment (and both of you may not be working at the same pace on this)
Arguing is necessary for change
Ugh. Who would bother right? Haha, kidding. Long term relationships can be super tough and then add kids to the mix and it’s a wonder they ever survive at all, I often think!
But with the right level of self reflection from both parties and openness to change, a long term relationship can be a secure and loving place to grow and thrive.
Connection is an important key..
Opportunities for quality connected time are few and far between and then when time arrives, the priority might not be there, as so much needs to be organised, to actually get it done.
When was the last time you and your partner had some quality connection?
My husband and I sat down and watched A WHOLE MOVIE on Friday afternoon, before picking up the kids. Oh the indulgence of it, it felt like a big treat! We haven’t had a date together for a couple of months and we’ve been in the thick of organising our house for selling, so life has been HECTIC. We’ve hardly said a word together, that hasn’t involved stress or conversations about the house, the bank or the kids.
The Gottman Institute (famous relationship therapists) talk about building an emotional bank account with your partner.
Small regular moments of connection, create deposits in an emotional bank account and bigger moments, create bigger deposits.
Conversely, regular negative moments, create withdrawals in your bank account and big unresolved arguments, silent treatment, name calling etc create large withdrawals, that require considerably reconnection and understanding to bring the emotional bank balance into the positive.
We need to aim for 5 deposits for every withdrawal - so a 5:1 ratio. 5 positives for every negative. And if you relationship is in a fairly negative state, you'll need to build up the deposits much more than that, like 20:1.
Esther Perel (another fave relationship therapist of mine) also suggests that
“your partner can never be everything to you.”
We can have the expectation that a healthy relationship, means that our partners are our emotional support, a hot lover, our best friend, funny, a great parent and understands our every need, all the time (*spoiler alert* you won’t find all of that in one person). Good luck to you if you have meant that person (please email me if you have, I’d love to hear about it!!!!!!!!!!!), imperfection is the key we need to look for here.
You’re not perfect and neither is your partner.
The good news is many relationships can get better (unless abuse, control and complete lack of insight or desire to work on anything, is present). But it does require self reflection, gathering of knowledge and often seeking good relationship therapy.
Most of us haven’t been shown wonderful role models when it comes to relationships. Our parents, are the first educators we will see in learning how to communicate effectively or not in a relationship. And your attachments with your parents (and your partners) means that these are the issues that will keep playing out, until you are aware of them and open to shift them, in your adult life (head over to YouTube for many videos on attachment styles, if you want to learn more).
Start thinking about the small ways you can develop an increased emotional bank account e.g. hug or kiss to say goodbye/hello/good night, ask them properly how their day was and listen with eye contact, eat a meal together, schedule a regular coffee date, hold hands, sit next to each other on the couch. And don’t be afraid to seek therapy for you or together, to enhance your relationship (not to just fix a totally broken one).
Sarah Purvey is a clinical psychologist, Mum of 2, author and the founder and director of Eastern Shore Psychology, in Hobart, Tasmania. Sarah supports parents to improve their mental health and those experiencing PTSD/Complex PTSD.
Sarah is also just about to launch her new Online Support Program for Mums. You can also join her Free 3 Day Fill Your Cup Mums Support group, launching on Tuesday July 25 2023. JOIN HERE
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