I started my Monday morning, today, with a very upsetting email, someone saying nasty things about me. Oof. It brought tears to my eyes. It took some time to work through it, but I am no stranger to people being upset with me. Apparently, I needed another lesson in learning to be ok, with other people not liking me.
2021 and 2022 have been the years of me apparently upsetting others.
Or it have they been the years of me setting boundaries for myself?
A time for me to reflect about what I had been saying yes to all my life.
Pleasing others.
Dismissing my own needs.
"It's fine!"
"It's all good!"
"Don't worry about it!"
Feeling uncomfortable, but telling myself I was the one being unreasonable. Being able to see the other person's side and taking their side every time, instead of my own.
I got therapy and I give other people loads of therapy in boundary setting and assertiveness, so I finally got the message that it's ok for me to speak my truth.
The thing is with speaking your truth is though... that it doesn't mean other people will like it.
It is worthwhile absolutely learning to communicate in helpful ways, like starting a statement with "I feel hurt" instead of "you're such an asshole." "It would be great if you could call me at 5.30pm, please." Instead of "sure, I can talk now" (while you're wrangling children or in the middle of some other task).
Some people get shitty with this. Some people push back. Some people think you're rude. Some people get really really f**8in' angry. Some people say it's fine and they never speak to you again (I've been that person, so I get it).
The moment you can start speaking your truth and accept that other people's feelings are their responsibility and not yours, is the moment you step into freedom.
The freedom to look after yourself.
The freedom to say "my needs matter too."
The freedom to say "I understand what you're saying and I honour my perspective too."
You can respectfully set a boundary and speak up for yourself and the other person's reaction is on them. You are giving them space to grow. You are giving them the opportunity to learn about themselves. Sure, some people aren't there yet and may never get there.
But you setting yourself a boundary, is a step in building your self esteem.
You can't build confidence/self worth and create happiness in your life, if you aren't able to say my needs matter just as much as anyone elses'.
The more time you spend on the planet, the less people pleasing and meeting other peoples needs ALL THE TIME is not going to work for you. You'll eventually get to capacity, you'll notice patterns in your relationships and you'll notice resentment building, guaranteed.
You can't be happy and please every single person, at the same time, all your life. Eventually someone is going to piss you off enough, to the point where you will be grinning and bearing it and feeling f*&%ing exhausted, avoiding them or exploding at them.
Here's a few tips for setting a boundary or speaking up about your needs:
Make a non judgmental description of what's happening "I notice when you come home late....
State your feeling "I feel sad/angry
Make a statement about what you would like in a warm tone: "It would be great if you could send me a message to let me know when you're coming home."
Don't overexplain why you feel angry etc or why you should have what you want etc This dilutes your message and makes people more likely to explain back why they shouldn't meet your need
Be willing to negotiate, but also hold your need up as being as important as theirs
Accept that feelings will come up for you - guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, frustration. Whatever it is, because you're doing something new, self doubt will likely come up! Setting a boundary is like building a muscle. It's very uncomfortable at first. Think of it as being like a workout for your brain! No pain, no gain ;)
Accept that it might not go well - it's a toughy, but it will tell you something loud and clear about them and your relationship with them. You've probably got to a place in your life where you bend for others, over and over again.
Boundaries can be lonely - but you'll eventually start to attract in people that understand your boundaries. You'll get less of the people that push you or trigger resentment.
If you can practice this over and over and learn to let the other person's reaction go.. this is your pathway to happiness and developing confidence in yourself.
I guarantee you, you matter, just as much as anyone else does, on the planet. So start thinking about your needs, what you want, in every interaction. This doesn't mean you're a narcissist, it just means that it isn't just the other person that matters. You matter. I matter.
Sarah Purvey is the founder and director of Eastern Shore Psychology, in Hobart, Tasmania. Sarah predominantly supports those with PTSD, workers compensation matters and parents during the perinatal period and well beyond. Sarah also enjoys supporting psychologists to have rewarding and long psychology careers.
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