Did you realise that perfectionism plays a very large role in parenting anxiety, depression and general overwhelm?
I imagine, probably not!
I've never come across a perfectionist who readily realises that they are just that.
The truth is that perfectionism is never about being perfect.
Perfectionism is...
1. The relentless striving for extremely high standards (for yourself and/or others) that are personally demanding, in the context of the individual. (Typically, to an outsider the standards are considered to be unreasonable given the circumstances.)
2. Judging your self-worth based largely on your ability to strive for and achieve such unrelenting standards
3. Experiencing negative consequences of setting such demanding standards, yet continuing to go for them despite the huge cost to you
I notice that many of the Mums whom I see with depressed or anxious mood, have impossible standards and think that they’re anything but perfect.
And in my humble clinical opinion, perfectionism is often at the core of Mum overwhelm, along with a society that sets us up for failure, particularly, in the realms of motherhood.
Overwhelmed Mums...
- tend to see more of their mistakes, than the moments they’re doing great
-They overestimate the impact of their negative influence on their kids
-They underestimate all the wonderful qualities/behaviours and positive moments they’re passing on to their children
-They strive for getting things right, 100% of the time
-They struggle to put difficult moments into perspective
-They’re too self critical
-They let guilt get in the way of taking quality time out for themselves
-And sometimes, these expectations extend a little too far to their kids or partners (without realising)
“People who try hard and are successful are often rewarded by others (e.g., praise, high marks, promotion at work), so achieving can become equated with being hard-working, conscientious, and intelligent – in short, being of worth. Perfectionists come to believe that they are only of worth if they are pursuing or achieving the high standards they set for themselves.”
These sorts of standards often really work (in fairly anxiety ways, no less) in settings outside of parenting!!!!
But in parenting, your feedback is probably going to be pretty grim, as parenting is a long game. Our rewards are small moments, qualities that unfold in our kids, as they grow and develop over time. The love that is reflected back to us in all the many years ahead of us.
Embracing the idea that that no one really know what they’re doing in parenting and that most of us are hanging on and hoping that what we’re doing will be enough, is a value system that is important to strive for, to reduce the overwhelm in parenting.
I have 3 suggestions for you, if you fit the bill for perfectionism or if you’re prone to anxiety/depressed mood:
1. Hand one task over to someone else: Yup. Let go of it. Accept that the other person won’t do it exactly like you will and that’s ok. The world isn’t going to end. Pick something that will give you a tolerable level of anxiety, but not something that will overwhelm you. E.g. Give your partner responsibility to organise dinner on a Sunday nights. Your brain might go into overdrive, you might feel anxious, about what will happen. You might jump in to save the family, from whatever plight you think might occur. See what happens - in order to challenge the problem, you need to see whether your brain is actually correct in it’s predictions or even if it is correct, there needs to be space given to problem solve the situation, in a way that doesn’t revolve around you fixing all problems in the house/or needing things to go a certain way.
2. Drop the idea that you need to be 100% perfect/consistent in delivering calm and connected parenting. Learn the art of flexible thinking. If you’re working on irritability/anxiety in parenting, or whatever your goal is - you’re not going to be able to deliver this every day. Keep it as a goal - like you’re walking towards the summit of a large mountain - you’re not going to get there immediately and it’s going to be a long expedition. But keep walking towards the summit and learning from each step or back step you take.
3. Think about how your standards might be influencing your relationships with others e.g my partner should know what he needs to do around the house, I don’t need to tell him e.g. why won’t my child just listen and cooperate? e.g. there’s no point in asking, as they’ll just say no or Ill just end up doing it myself Take a moment to journal out some of thoughts that you have about others and see whether you’re setting others up for high standards too (without at all realising this I’m sure!) (and also ask yourself the question, what would happen if you relaxed some of your standards towards yourself and others - journal about this too)
Pick one of these to start with. No need to be doing all these all at once. One small thing at a time, to chip away at high standards and learn more flexible, less critical ways to think about yourself.
Let me know your reflections about this in the comments below :)
Sarah Purvey is a clinical psychologist, Mum of 2, author and the founder and director of Eastern Shore Psychology, in Hobart, Tasmania. Sarah supports parents to improve their mental health and those experiencing PTSD/Complex PTSD.
Sarah is also just about to launch her new Online Support Program for Mums. You can also join her Free 3 Day Fill Your Cup Mums Support group, launching on Tuesday July 25 2023. JOIN HERE
Comments